Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
