i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
