Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
