So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
