You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
