I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize