i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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