I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
