we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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