We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
