rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
