you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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