We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
