you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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