I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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