and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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