eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
