The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
my poor anus
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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