I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
