I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
