literally had 100 drinks last night.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
