Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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