my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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