I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
