Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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