The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
