I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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