When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
