Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
