I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
