Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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