Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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