Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
