this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
