Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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