It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So vagazzling was a success
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
