My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
