Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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