K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am mentally ready for anal.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
