OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
