Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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