the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
