The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
