Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
