I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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