Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
