I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
