Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize