i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
soo... how was my night?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
