Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
