my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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