i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
