glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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