Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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