Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
