She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
