REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize