"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
