I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
